I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
