He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
