Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
