i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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