I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
