It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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