Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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