At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
