i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
