Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
