He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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