bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
