Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
