dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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