Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
