in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
