Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How external is "for external use only"?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
