I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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