I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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