Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
