Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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