so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
