last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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