I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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