I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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