Define "chronic" masturbator.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
