Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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