That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize