@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
