Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
