I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
