I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
