Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
