would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize