Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
my being single is dangerous.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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