When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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