apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
