I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize