I miss vodka workout Fridays
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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