Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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