The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
