i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
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