I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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