She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
