I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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