I'm really into asian looking animals
Acid is not a monday night drug
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
