I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
