i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
