at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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