She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
