You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
