Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
