there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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