My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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