my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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