I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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