The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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