there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I am spending my child support on dildos
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
