from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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