Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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