I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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