I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
