I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
